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12 STEPS – A 12-step program can support you or your partner in your day-to-day recovery wrok, in addition to therapy – but it can’t replace betrayal trauma informed therapy.
A 12-step program encourages you to turn to your own spiritual life; rethink what you can control and what you can’t, and to take personal responsibility for your own healing, and even though we have been victimized by deception and betrayal, helps us avoid staying in “victim mode.”
12-step programs provide educational and inspirational literature and other tools to help you navigate your personal recovery. S-Anon is an example of one such group dedicated to healing of the spouse of a sexually addicted person.
S-Anon reinforces you are not to blame, and not the cause of your own trauma, or your spouse's addiction, and that focusing on your own health and healing is healthy and nothing to feel guilty about. It helps get you out of isolation that is so common in all trauma and especially betrayal trauma, and helps you see that you're not alone in this experience.
Thoughts on 12 Step Groups for the Betrayed Spouse
By someone who’s been there , Pam Blizzard
This is something I’ve put together for the groups I lead, based on my personal experience and time spent studying 12 Step literature. While some of this might apply to all types of recovery groups, I’m specifically speaking about 12 Step groups designed for betrayed spouses. SA recovery groups have a different structure and focus, and that’s not something I’m familiar enough with to speak to.
Before I go further, a gentle request: if you’ve had a painful or disappointing experience with a 12 Step group, please speak with care. Many of us have found healing in these spaces. If you’re going to critique, please focus on the literature itself, not just your experience in a single meeting. The real substance of the program is the literature—the meetings are the gravy. And just because you’ve had some bad gravy, doesn’t mean the meat is bad.
Seasoned Members Show Up Consistently
They model long-term recovery, share with strength and humility, and stick to the guidelines. They don’t give advice—they share personal stories of how they’ve navigated similar struggles.
Newcomers Are Welcomed Thoughtfully
Someone will personally respond to an inquiry, help orient a new person to the meeting format, and walk them through expectations.
Meetings Begin and End on Time
This consistency helps create safety and trust.
The Literature is Central
Meetings open with conference-approved readings—nothing skipped or glossed over. The literature provides structure and grounding.
Sharing Stays Focused
Members speak about their own experiences, not others’. It’s not a place for venting or spiraling—it’s a place to process and move forward.
Outside Sources Stay Outside
During shares, people might mention something they read or heard elsewhere, but names and titles of non-conference materials aren’t used during the meeting.
Step Work is Part of the Rhythm
Many groups use the second meeting of each month to focus on a specific step. It keeps everyone moving through the process together.
Fellowship Happens Before and After
Outside the structure of the meeting, members chat, recommend books or therapists, offer hugs, and give support.
Bonus: Some groups meet for coffee or meals outside of meeting times. That community can be a lifeline.
Phone Lists Help Break Isolation
Members volunteer to be on a phone list so others can reach out in tough moments.
Members Take Turns Leading
Leading a meeting doesn’t require perfect recovery—it just requires willingness. Leadership is shared.
Sponsors are Available and Human
A sponsor doesn’t need to be a guru—just someone a step or two ahead. Sponsors give feedback only on your share or step work, never on your partner or relationship.
The Group Doesn’t Bash Addicts
Healthy groups acknowledge that addiction is a painful disease. They don’t make space for contempt.
There’s No Pressure to Share
It’s perfectly okay to just sit and listen. No one will force you to speak before you’re ready.
Personal Growth is Celebrated
Members are encouraged to take the reins of their own healing journey—learning, growing, and applying the 12 Steps to their emotional and spiritual well-being.
No One is Really Healing
If there’s a lot of problem-sharing but no one is talking about growth, wins, or progress, it’s hard to find hope.
The Literature is Ignored
Without the structure of the 12 Steps and literature, it’s not really a 12 Step group—it’s just a group.
The Guidelines Aren’t Enforced
When boundaries fall away, the group can feel unsafe or chaotic.
If the focus is always on the addict and their behavior, it can become overwhelming and triggering.
Cross talk (addressing people by name or commenting on their share) and unsolicited advice undermine safety.
Meetings that push one religious belief are out of alignment with the 12 Traditions.
Meetings Start Late or Run Long
Respecting time shows respect for people.
Pressure to Take on Labels
You shouldn’t be forced to say, “Hi, I’m ___ and I’m a recovering spouse.” We’re not there to recover from ourselves—we’re there to heal from what happened to us.
Pathologizing the Betrayed Partner
If someone tries to label you as codependent, a co-addict, or tells you that you “picked badly”—that’s a red flag. You don’t need to be blamed for someone else’s betrayal.
Healing is Dependent on the Addict’s Recovery
Healthy recovery acknowledges that your healing is yours. You can grow, find peace, and rebuild regardless of what your partner does.
Anonymity Isn’t Respected
If members talk about others behind their backs, or share someone’s story with the addicted partner, trust is broken.
Sponsors Overstep
A sponsor’s role is to walk with you—not to give relationship advice or evaluate your partner. This program is about you, not your coupleship.
If you’ve been burned by a group that didn’t feel right—don’t give up. There are healthy, grounded, and loving 12 Step groups out there. And when you find one, it can be a source of real connection, clarity, and strength. 💛
