What Recovery for the Betraying Partner or Addicted Person DOES NOT Look Like
This experience is SO personal, so painful, so close to the bone, that it's easy to forget it's a very real ADDICTION.
Addiction hijacks the brain, and regresses people emotionally – they are emotionally immature.
When I talk about addicted people in this topic, I'm referring to men who are actively living in, and protecting their addiction.
They could be “sober” – not acting out – yet still living in the addiction mindset. They haven't done the work of “recovery” – healing, growth and learning new tools.
Sobriety alone, does not equate to recovery.
These behaviors can be intermittent or consistent.
emotionally immature. irresponsible in the relationship. in denial: they lie to themselves lie to others don’t “do” emotions. Their own, or anyone else’s. gaslight, deflect, blame, project, minimize, justify, callous towards others, rationalizing unhealthy attitudes and behaviors isolating, switch obsessions to escape interacting create chaos to distract from their behaviors acting like a victim acting like recovery methods don't work or resentful about recovery work live in an alternative reality of their own making, and expect others to acknowledge and agree with, and live in their false reality. think their words have factual meaning and accurately reflect themselves. THEY DON’T. They have zero self awareness and make up opinions and viewpoints that fit a narrative, not their actual values or real world needs. do not take others at their words. They only understand and react/respond to other’s behaviors. beyond our reach of “help” – we are NOT qualified to help them into recovery.If you're living with an unrecovered addict of any kind, your sanity and serenity are going to be tested every single day.
You will be worn down, trying to get them into reality, or to see the consequences of their behavior.
You will wear yourself out “talking” to them, trying multiple different approaches to get them into health.
You will spin your wheels with little return, trying to get them to be healthy people.
None of those approaches or attempts will work.
What DOES work for us:
🟢 Focusing on ourselves,
🟢 being responsible for ourselves and our own self-care,
🟢 finding joy and nurturing ourselves elsewhere with safe people and safe activities.
🟢 setting and enforcing boundaries to keep all the “red flag behaviors” (above) as far away from our awareness as much as possible, is the beginning road to sanity, peace, serenity and a clear path forward towards our best self, our best life and our walking out our values.