Enabling active/unrecovered behavior with a sexually addicted person

“Providing relationship comforts to an active sexually addicted person, even sober, but not in recovery is protecting their addiction and standing in the way of their recovery.”

Also known as enabling. Enabling the sexually addicted person to feel like everything is ok, and normal, when it's not. Enabling the sexually addicted person to continue on with life as normal, when it's not normal. Enabling the addict to escape the natural consequences of their wounding, self involved,  unhealthy, damaging behavior.

Let's talk about what “relationship comforts” are.

  • Sleeping the same bed.
  • Allowing you to touch my body.
  • Allowing you see me unclothed.
  • Shopping for food you like and making meals for you.
  • Sharing meals with you at the same table.
  • Checking in with you before I leave the house, letting you know where I'm going and when I'll be back.
  • Letting you know that I'll always be there for you, unconditionally, no matter what.
  • Making doctor appointments for you
  • Pouring your coffee for you in the morning
  • Doing your laundry for you
  • Sending your family birthday/holiday cards and signing your name to them too
  • Cleaning up after you
  • Doing your dishes
  • Paying for your memberships that only benefit you, when I pay the bills
  • Providing companionship to you (watching movies/tv together, listening to you complain about your day
  • Speaking to you about anything other than parenting, finances and home maintenance

What else do you do, that provides comfort to your spouse, that could be standing in the way of his recovery?

Stopping them  can be boundary enforcements.

To my sexually addicted friends out there – if you want to be treated like a king, by your queen – get into real recovery so you can become one.

Need help developing empathy for your Queen?
Read HELP.HER.HEAL – an excellent workbook written for sexually addicted men who have betrayed their wives, become heroes. 

Foundations of Healing with Boundaries support group. Master Boundaries, get support for boundaries to guard against gaslighting, blame, denial, minimization, manipulation and isolation.

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Pam B.

I'm a spouse recovering from betrayal trauma, with more experience dealing with betrayal trauma than any individual should ever have (28+ years. I went on to complete training in the APSATS Multidimensional Partner Trauma Model. I'm a certified Life Coach and NLP practitioner, and completed the Door of Hope trauma informed peer facilitation training. Currently experiencing post-traumatic growth and trying to help others not make the same mistakes I did, and help others find recovery, healing, restoration, redemption and peace. Turning tragedies into triumphs is my main goal in life. Faithful follower of Jesus, wife to a husband in good recovery, and mom to her favorite college student.

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