Get the RIGHT therapy – the WRONG therapy can hurt you both
GET THE *RIGHT* KIND OF THERAPY – the “WRONG” kind of therapy can do more damage!
For the betrayed partner:
You can benefit the most from a partner-sensitive provider who understands infidelity betrayal trauma.
APSATS (Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists) trains therapists and coaches to support and assist you on this journey. They are specifically trained in best practices to help you feel emotionally validated, safe, and give practical instruction for grounding, and managing overwhelming emotions.
An APSATS-trained therapist or coach understands the magnitude of finding out your partner has been hiding a secret life and the devastation and shock that comes with it. They also understand sex addiction and best recovery practices, and can advise you on boundaries around your sexually addicted partner's recovery and relationship behavior. Your safety, emotional validation and education on healing and recovery will be an APSATS-trained provider's primary focus.
If you can’t connect with an APSATS-trained therapist or coach, look for therapists with specialized training in:
- Relational trauma
- EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy based in Attachment Theory -( link to EFT therapist directory)
- Attachment - theory, wounding and disorders
- Intimacy disorders (sex addiction may be seen as an intimacy disorder)
- Domestic abuse (deception is disempowering to you, and a form of emotional abuse)
- Understand addiction in general
See our Module 4: Books for Your Own Personal Recovery as a Betrayed Partner
For the sexually addicted partner:
The partner with the problematic sexual behavior or sex addiction will benefit from working with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist - Link to website and therapist directory)
However, unless that professional has specific additional training, they will not be able to fully advocate for the relationship recovery, or your emotional safety and healing.
Do not assume the CSAT will advise or teach your partner on how to repair the damage to the relationship or show empathy for your painful emotions. Their primary purpose is to help the addicted person recover from the addiction.
Your sexually addicted partner must take full responsibility of pushing forward for his own recovery. He can find the right kind of therapy in the CSAT directory.
Note: If you can't find an in-person therapist, a tele-health or zoom session is better than an in-person provider who isn't properly trained in sex addiction recovery.
Pastoral counselors usually don't have the right training for sex addiction and betrayal trauma and can potentially cause more problems with harmful advice.
The wrong therapist or pastor who has inadequate specialized training for sexual addiction or problematic sexual behavior can do more damage, enable an addicted person to believe they don't have a problem, or re-traumatize the betrayed partner. Shop around if you have to.
To see personal experiences of being further traumatized by the wrong type of therapy see this thread:
Trigger warning: Read the experiences of women who were further harmed by well-meaning professionals who had outdated or no training in this kind of repeat infidelity:
Private Facebook Group for Recovering Spouses of Sex Addicts - "bad therapy thread"
Traditional marriage counseling is not the immediate answer early in recovery.
Sex addiction behaviors and betrayal is not caused by issues in the marriage. Marriage counseling cannot provide the therapy a sexually addicted person requires to recover from their addiction.