“Providing relationship comforts to a sex addict, is protecting their addiction and standing in the way of their recovery.”
~AL, CSAT, Illinois, US
Also known as, “enabling.”
IMPORTANT: Enabling doesn't happen before discovery – we had no way of knowing what was happening. We didn't enable the addicted person or cause or allow his behaviors. We have no responsibility for the wounding that happened to us. We only have responsibility to get ourselves the right help and do the work to recover from this new trauma.
Problems get worse when we are unaware that we :
Enable the sexually addicted person to feel like everything is ok, and normal, when it's not.
Enable the sexually addicted person to continue on with life as normal, when it's not normal.
Enable the addict to escape the natural consequences of their wounding, selfish, immature, unhealthy, damaging behavior.
Once we are aware of the deceptive behaviors, we may have an urge to go back to “normal” in an attempt to achieve emotional stability and calm. However, there is no “normal” to return to, but we can create the “new normal” with new boundaries and new tools.
Let's talk about what “relationship comforts” are in terms of enforcing boundaries.
Helping my partner feel satisfied that I'll always be there for them, unconditionally, no matter what.
(Now that I know you have been “outside” of our relationship, I am also “outside” the relationship, watching to see if you come back inside the relationship as a safe and secure connection, consistently and over time. As I have always been, I am still not available to other people for dating or emotionally or physically intimate relationships and I expect you to uphold all vows.)
What else do you do, that provides comfort and special access to you for your spouse?
To learn more about how to actually enforce boundaries in a way that meets your particular needs, consider joining the Clarity and Peace with Boundaries digital course and community experience: