Types of Boundary Violation Responses or Enforcements : Dealbreakers and Things I’ll be patient with

With most boundary violations there are two types of  responses:
Things I'll be patient with” and “Deal breakers“.
There are no cookie cutter responses that work (bring safety, clarity, peace) for everyone. We all have to decide what our tolerances are.

For example, some things I'll be patient with are:

  • A slip of the tongue with unkind words
  • A missed therapy appointment or meeting
  • A untruth of little consequence (“I didn't leave the milk out” – when we both know he did.)
  • Accepting a friend request on LinkedIn from a female we haven't discussed (an agreement we made prior)

It doesn't mean I ignore those behaviors, I will still voice my “When you ___, I feel ____, Would you consider ____.”

It doesn't mean I'm going to be patient over and over without end. If it keeps repeating, I'm going to acknowledge to myself that talking about it with my partner hasn't accomplished my needs being met and I'm going to take action that has more impact for me. That might mean sitting down to have a more “official” conversation about enforcing boundaries around another occurrence,  a visit to the couple's therapist to talk it about there, or something more drastic. Repeat violations could become “Deal Breakers” too.

Some of my “Deal Breakers” are

  • Viewing pornography
  • Inappropriate intimate communication with a female
  • Lying about whereabouts
  • Stonewalling, defensiveness, i.e., refusing to engage in a vulnerable and authentic wayIn early recovery, my “deal breakers” were also staying in “consistent recovery with a qualified CSAT”. If he quit therapy before I saw “fruits” of therapy, that was a red flag. This was based on past history of giving up on therapy frequently.

It doesn't mean I will immediately initiate divorce proceedings, but I will initiate a physical separation process so I can clear my head to think through all my options. Your response may differ – there's no right or wrong answer except for what each of us personally decides what will help us feel safe, and bring us clarity and peace.

Take a moment to create a list (for yourself) of things you can be patient with, and things that are deal breakers. 

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