Boundary Enforcements; Your Safety after slips, relapses, harmful behaviors
“Providing relationship comforts to a sex addict, is protecting their addiction and standing in the way of their recovery.”
~AL, CSAT, Illinois, US
Also known as, “enabling.”
IMPORTANT: Enabling doesn't happen before discovery – we had no way of knowing what was happening. We didn't enable the addicted person or cause or allow his behaviors. We have no responsibility for the wounding that happened to us. We only have responsibility to get ourselves the right help and do the work to recover from this new trauma.
Problems get worse when we are unaware that we :
Enable the sexually addicted person to feel like everything is ok, and normal, when it's not.
Enable the sexually addicted person to continue on with life as normal, when it's not normal.
Enable the addict to escape the natural consequences of their wounding, selfish, immature, unhealthy, damaging behavior.
Once we are aware of the deceptive behaviors, we may have an urge to go back to “normal” in an attempt to achieve emotional stability and calm. However, there is no “normal” to return to, but we can create the “new normal” with new boundaries and new tools.
Let's talk about what “relationship comforts” are in terms of enforcing boundaries.
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Helping my partner feel satisfied that I'll always be there for them, unconditionally, no matter what.
(Now that I know you have been “outside” of our relationship, I am also “outside” the relationship, watching to see if you come back inside the relationship as a safe and secure connection, consistently and over time. As I have always been, I am still not available to other people for dating or emotionally or physically intimate relationships and I expect you to uphold all vows.)
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Communicating about other subject beyond children, finances or home and auto maintenance
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Sleep the same bed
- Allow you see me unclothed
- Allow you to touch my body without consent
- Provide physical relationship in intimacy or physical or emotional comfort
- Provide companionship for watching tv, attending events
- Drive to family events in the same car
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Sharing personal opinions and beliefs.
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Sharing my feelings and experiences, failures and successes
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Sharing my needs, emotions and desires
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Listen to you complain about your day
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Doing personal favors for you
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Shop for food you like
- Make meals for you, or share meals with you at the same table
- Make doctor appointments for you
- I pour your coffee for you in the morning
- Do your laundry for you
- Sign your name to cards I sent to family on holidays/birthdays or anniversaries
- Clean up after you
- Wash your dishes
- Pay for your memberships that only benefit you, when I pay the bills
- Notify you before I leave the house, letting you know where I'm going and when I'll be back
What else do you do, that provides comfort and special access to you for your spouse?
To learn more about how to actually enforce boundaries in a way that meets your particular needs, consider joining the Clarity and Peace with Boundaries digital course and community experience: